According to my critics, I eat out a lot. I'm sorry. I love food. For that reason alone (and getting a really bad deal at an expensive restaurant) , I give the following Paul R Smith guide for decent grub:
1. Always Free Refills.
I drink WAY too much soda according to my waist line. I'm addicted to that glorious carb filled sugar syrup. I need a vice that beats compulsive crossword puzzles. When I go out and ask for a Mr. Pibb (Official Soft Drink of this blog.) I demand a big glass. If you hand me a can and then plan on charging per glass, then I'm going to hate you, your restaurant, and that guy standing over there for no reason what so ever. From now on, when I'm handed a beverage with no promise of free refills will prompt to sing Depeche Mode songs out loud to the tables next to me.
2. No Fancy Smancy
Don't grind my pepper and charge me 20 for the privillage. If I have to play dress up, don't look at me funny when I'm outraged at no Hawain Punch on the menu. Don't get me started about some poor soul to hand me a towel trapped in the bathroom.
3. Wait staff must be human.
I just like real people over those who call me sir. I want someone to be honest of a bad day or if the manager is a real spaz. They are usually the quickest with the frequent re-pourings of Pibb.
4. Just because it's corporate, doesn't mean it sucks.
Yes, I do like corporate places that are run well. I have a favorite Red Robin, Califonia Pizza Kitchen, TGIF's ect. Where would we be without our blooming onions? If not for these guys, Buffalo wings would have stayed in Buffalo. Okay, yeah, there's no hope for Applebees or Denny's. But I will not rule out a corporate cookie cutter place because of THE MAN. No, some of these places are really good due to their hard work and practice getting me my fav food in record time.
5. Always be patient with appetizer eaters.
I don't know why, but I equate bringing your main course shortly after the apps to be a crime against eating. It's like the wait staff wants to be more obvious at insulting you by showing how much food you eat. This is uncalled for. Come on, if a cook can time his ovens with 20 different meals, you can time yourslef adding things to the computer.
6. Backround Music Needs To Be Real and Lively.
If you have elevator hits of the 70's playing on a 23 dollar cd player in the backroom, just close now. I'm still scarred over hearing the pan pipe version of "We Didn't Start The Fire." We have Pandora. We have Muze. We have XM. Use them. Having a staff fight over which stations should play is half the fun.
7. Start thinking free wi-fi
People sometimes go to Hooters for other reasons than the really tasty wings. Mine in Frisco has free wi-fi. I can play Warcraft and eat steamed clams! This is pure Heaven! What? I'm sorry, what other reason would I want to go to Hooters?
8. Offer enough food to make grandma pround.
If you are trying to be TRENDY and offering "I almost forgot I ate" portions. Save the art work for painting class. (Apologies to the entire world of Japanese cuisine here.) Pile enough food to make the idea of desert as premediated murder. There's always excercise, so make sure you offer us enough fries.
9. Charging for extra sauce is uncool.
...it's better if you sneak it into the price of the food. Getting dinged 69 cents will cause my dad to raise from the dead and try to argue me out of the extra blue cheese.
10. Food is Fun. Heck, it's even love.
I love hanging with good friends who I should be spending more time with. Large tables should be embraced, not seen as a hinderance to quiting work early.
What are some of your favorite restaurant hang ups?
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