Paul R Smith Dot Com

Fortune Cookie Karma

Today, something unique happened. I got a rerun fortune cookie fortune. For the second time I got, "You will be successful in the field of computer technology."

Just for once I would like to see these Confucius tainted stale pastries doubt themselves and add some sort of retraction like, "You'll be a great programmer...oh wait...girls like you! Never mind."

But then my imagination would add another message on the back like: "But don't worry they all want to be your sister. Or at your age - see you as a gentle grandfather that can live legally within school zone limits. "

Still, getting older is something I'm good at and I don't mind it. Although, I'm having flashbacks of J Alfred Prufrock's Long Song where instead of eating a peach, I made a hot cup of Ovaltine. My youthful standard is a hot cup of strawberry Quik. (All non-believers say, "GROAN.") That choice made me ask if there were any nearby children to yell off my lawn.

Sigh. I really wish I didn't have to sleep. I would like to sit here and type for a while. But I'm very close to embarrassing myself again. That's another proud skill of mine. Besides I have to be successful in the field of computer technology tomorrow.

Paul's Rules For Awesome Restaurants

According to my critics, I eat out a lot. I'm sorry.  I love food.  For that reason alone (and getting a really bad deal at an expensive restaurant) , I give the following Paul R Smith guide for decent grub:

1. Always Free Refills.

I drink WAY too much soda according to my waist line.  I'm addicted to that glorious carb filled sugar syrup.  I need a vice that beats compulsive crossword puzzles.  When I go out and ask for a Mr. Pibb (Official Soft Drink of this blog.) I demand a big glass.  If you hand me a can and then plan on charging per glass, then I'm going to hate you, your restaurant, and that guy standing over there for no reason what so ever.  From now on, when I'm handed a beverage with no promise of free refills will prompt to sing Depeche Mode songs out loud to the tables next to me.

2. No Fancy Smancy

Don't grind my pepper and charge me 20 for the privillage.  If I have to play dress up,  don't look at me funny when I'm outraged at no Hawain Punch on the menu.  Don't get me started about some poor soul to hand me a towel trapped in the bathroom.

3. Wait staff must be human.

I just like real people over those who call me sir. I want someone to be honest of a bad day or if the manager is a real spaz.  They are usually the quickest with the frequent re-pourings of Pibb.

4. Just because it's corporate, doesn't mean it sucks.

Yes, I do like corporate places that are run well.  I have a favorite Red Robin, Califonia Pizza Kitchen, TGIF's ect.  Where would we be without our blooming onions?  If not for these guys, Buffalo wings would have stayed in Buffalo.  Okay, yeah, there's no hope for Applebees or Denny's.  But I will not rule out a corporate cookie cutter place because of THE MAN. No, some of these places are really good due to their hard work and practice getting me my fav food in record time.

5. Always be patient with appetizer eaters.

I don't know why, but I equate bringing your main course shortly after the apps to be a crime against eating.  It's like the wait staff wants to be more obvious at insulting you by showing how much food you eat.  This is uncalled for.  Come on, if a cook can time his ovens with 20 different meals, you can time yourslef adding things to the computer.

6. Backround Music Needs To Be Real and Lively.

If you have elevator hits of the 70's playing on a 23 dollar cd player in the backroom, just close now.  I'm still scarred over hearing the pan pipe version of "We Didn't Start The Fire."   We have Pandora.  We have Muze.  We have XM.  Use them.  Having a staff fight over which stations should play is half the fun. 

7.  Start thinking free wi-fi

People sometimes go to Hooters for other reasons than the really tasty wings. Mine in Frisco has free wi-fi.  I can play Warcraft and eat steamed clams!  This is pure Heaven!  What?  I'm sorry, what other reason would I want to go to Hooters?

8. Offer enough food to make grandma pround.

If you are trying to be TRENDY and offering "I almost forgot I ate" portions.  Save the art work for painting class. (Apologies to the entire world of Japanese cuisine here.)  Pile enough food to make the idea of desert as premediated murder.  There's always excercise, so make sure you offer us enough fries.

9. Charging for extra sauce is uncool.

...it's better if you sneak it into the price of the food.  Getting dinged 69 cents will cause my dad to raise from the dead and try to argue me out of the extra blue cheese. 

10.  Food is Fun.  Heck, it's even love.

I love hanging with good friends who I should be spending more time with.  Large tables should be embraced, not seen as a hinderance to quiting work early. 

What are some of your favorite restaurant hang ups?

Sigh, Emeril Lagasse's Live Show Cancelled

Emeril Gets Cancelled

His live show has been going for 10 years.  I question why the Food Network would cancel him, and add another show with Rachel Ray.  She's nice, but she's not even a trained chef.  And, seriously 40 dollars a day?  I'd watch a show where they leave her in an undisclosed town with 40 dollars and see what happens.    She doesn't need another travelling show.  She needs to stay at home, eat some Ritz, and behave. 

All right, I'm sorry, but if you want to have some fun do a google search on her marriage and see all the, "marriage is on the rocks" and "marriage is fine" debates.  Honestly, I don't care.   ;-)

Sigh, Jade still calls her powdered sugar "Bam" from watching the show. 

Doritos: Why Must You Torment Me So...

Long ago before the Age of Brenda, the good people of Frito Lay developed a flavor called Taco Dorito.  I loved them and quickly substituted them for most of the solid food in my diet.  This was back when I had a metabolism. Then Frito Lay canceled the flavor.   Those bastards didn't even call me. When I was told, I was a little upset.  But I regained my self control.  And after a pulling a few strings, the supermarket agreed not to press charges. 

Then a few years later, they got a license with Taco Bell.  (For some reason they thought it would help.) They released the same flavor as....Taco Supreme.  Again, I got my major food group back.  But I was newly married now.  A few weeks later Bren found us when she came home early one day.  Still, life gave me a second chance.  With intense counseling and a few electric shock treatments, Bren and I put our lives back together. 

Now, it's 2007.   I have a family and a reputation as one of the nation's most prolific bloggers.  Success and money are now fruits within my reach.   On a quiet night, this cute little bag winked at me and the next thing I know, I'm in a cheap hotel with snack chip powder all over my body.

But don't worry. I'm in control.  I can quit at any time.  (twitch twitch twitch)

Why I Need Starbucks

I have a 5km race in about an hour and half.  I could stay at work, but I’ve already been there for over 9 hours.  My race is 15 minutes away from where I work so going home is pointless. So my place of choice is Starbucks.  Now, I know the naysayers who lament the corporate image of seeing these places every where, but I don’t have the luxury of finding a place like that in Farmers Branch.  I can find excellent Mexican food, but the end result of that delicious meal would not be good for running 30 minutes straight in 92 degree heat.

Starbucks cornered the gray area between work and home.  Yeah, their coffee sucks, but their unique coffee-like beverages makes this my remote heaven.  I feel at ease here.  It reminds me of my many Long Island book store runs I went with close friends. I love this place so much I want to remodel my house to look like one.  But I don’t think I could get the drive-thru approved with the homeowners association.   No sense of adventure with those people.

Still, there are a few things about Starbucks that drives me crazy.  That cardboard ring that takes keeps your hand away from the heat of the beverage.  It’s like holding your lovers hand and she’s wearing mittens. To me, that warmth is a familiar comfort.  There are few pleasures that can out “ahhhhh” a warm beverage in your hand.  Still, most people call that same feeling “getting burned” or “arrrggh” or, sometimes, “Get it off me! Get it off me!”  I feel you need to live a little and eventually you get used to the smell of burning flesh.

Another gripe of mine is whenever the Starbucks station plays Bob Marley.  I have nothing against the lost Reggae icon personally.  It’s just I know somewhere there’s a research scientist feverishly typing away at her trusty laptop.  She suddenly hears “La la la la la” and a soothing beat.  She thinks of cruises, warm clear water, beaches, and really strong native men.   The next thing you know, she’s booking her one way ticket to Cozy Island on Expedia.  Pop.  She leaves her laptop behind and she’s out the door.  There goes the cure for cancer.  Or worse.  Somewhere, we might have already lost the cure for the dreaded Nintendo thumb.